“Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more terrifying for a lesbian on a date than the moment a girl is about to go down on her and she thinks to herself, “Oh God, please let it be safe down there.” I realize straight women probably have this same fear…at least the ones I’ve slept with. I mean, I know we don’t taste like mangos and strawberries—which is a good thing, otherwise I would be offering my lady parts to every attractive person I passed on the street: No, I’m serious! Just like mangos, you should check for yourself—but we always know when things aren’t safe for visitors down there. Even with little to no time before I get down and dirty, I try and excuse myself just to clean up a little bit. I like to treat my vagina like a prizefighter who might be a little dazed and confused and not really sure what’s about to happen after some hot foreplay. Splash a little water in her face, wake her up, and send her in!

I’ve realized through my years of being a professional lesbian that the saying “we are what we eat” has truth to it. It’s quite ironic, since most of the world knows what lesbians eat. We eat other lesbians. It’s a vicious cycle. However, I found out that what we eat truly does affect the way we “taste” to other people.”

—Dana Goldberg Comedian


You are what you eat is an idiom for all things body-related. The connection is clear and apparent. Think about it: What happens when you eat asparagus? Within fifteen minutes your urine has that undeniably strange after-smell—actually this serves as the best example of how quickly food is broken down and excreted. After vitamins, your urine turns out bright green or yellow. The good news is that there are foods that can combat offensive odors and actually add a sweet smell or taste to
the vagina. One statistic I came across stated that 72% of women are self-conscious about having an odor during oral sex.

I am certainly not one to pussy shame anyone for their vagina smells—sweet, malodorous, or otherwise. I would simply advise you to keep check on keeping your lady parts clean, and to be aware of any changes in smell and taste.

Chapter Photos