“Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more terrifying for a lesbian on a date than the moment a girl is about to go down on her and she thinks to herself, “Oh God, please let it be safe down there.” I realize straight women probably have this same fear…at least the ones I’ve slept with. I mean, I know we don’t taste like mangos and strawberries—which is a good thing, otherwise I would be offering my lady parts to every attractive person I passed on the street: No, I’m serious! Just like mangos, you should check for yourself—but we always know when things aren’t safe for visitors down there. Even with little to no time before I get down and dirty, I try and excuse myself just to clean up a little bit. I like to treat my vagina like a prizefighter who might be a little dazed and confused and not really sure what’s about to happen after some hot foreplay. Splash a little water in her face, wake her up, and send her in!

I’ve realized through my years of being a professional lesbian that the saying “we are what we eat” has truth to it. It’s quite ironic, since most of the world knows what lesbians eat. We eat other lesbians. It’s a vicious cycle. However, I found out that what we eat truly does affect the way we “taste” to other people.”

—Dana Goldberg Comedian

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